Depression
- My Struggles
I’ve had depression for 10 years now at least. I was officially
diagnosed with it in 2009. Over the years I have had many struggles. Depression
isn’t easy. People underestimate just how
hard it is to live with. Many people have this viewpoint that winds me up, when
they are like ‘oh I’m so depressed, my boyfriend broke up with me.’ If only that was it!
Depression can affect you in many ways. It affects
your mood, your sleep, your appetite, your concentration, your ability to feel
emotions. I myself struggle continually with sleep and concentration. My head
literally feels like it explodes when I have to read articles and sources for
uni assignments, let alone type it up. Sleep is horrible, I am forever tired, I
feel drained and lack energy, my day becomes fragmented and even when I finally
wake up in the morning, I want to go back to bed. I have to sleep in the
afternoon, if I don’t, my night-time sleep
pattern is even worse. I struggle to
settle and drift off to sleep; my mind feels like it's racing at 100mph, the
thoughts won’t shut off. I suffer from terrible dreams of my past. I
have struggled with confidence, and if you have read my high school series, you’ll know i’ve had to deal with
some tough issues and even self-harm.
There are bad days where I literally feel
nothing. I am like an empty vessel, a shell of a person. More recently I am
coping with the loss of my dad who passed away in June. Grief and depression is
a strange combination. There are days when I feel literally numb and unable to
make a cup of tea without getting upset. There are days when I feel nothing,
the days following my dad’s passing, I couldn’t function, I couldn’t feel, I was on
autopilot. Even now I struggle to feel anything, to even cry or smile, its like
i’m trapped in a world of darkness.
But not all days are bad. Sometimes you feel
the light, you can feel normal. You can laugh and smile. Depression is a
rollercoaster ride of constant up and downs. You just have to remember on those
darker days that life can be better and you are strong person. You have the
support around you and it is always best to get the thoughts and emotions out,
don’t bottle it up… write it down, talk to someone, just express it somehow. I
love blogging; it has without a doubt helped. I can express my feelings and I
know there is a vast community of support of lovely people who are always there
if you need a shoulder to cry on or a rant.
Just remember you are not alone. You will
defeat the darkness.
